Home > Player Blogs, Tadpol's Blog > RPGenius: Orcs play linebacker

RPGenius: Orcs play linebacker

Blue 42 Y right X flat on 2.

I'm never gonna learn this playbook...

Are you ready for some football?!?  Yes, the season has started, albeit through the virtually meaningless month that is preseason football.   The only real benefit to this set of games is that I can check out a few of my sleepers that I hope to draft in my fantasy football league. (side note, we should start an OverRaided/TGT fantasy league…if anyone else is interested).

And this is the one part of the year where I can cheer as my Cleveland Browns beat up on the Packers.  Yes, Green Bay, our starters can kick the crap out of your 3rd stringers.  However, if you are not a football fan, (A) you are missing out, and (B) I promise to get to some WoW-tastic blogging shortly.

In order to pay my respects to the upcoming REAL NFL season, I will connect pretty much every aspect of my life to the sport in some way or another.  This is relatively easy for me in many ways…

    1. Exercise – throw the football outside
    2. Television – Do I need to spell this out?
    3. Commute to work – ESPN Radio/Podcasts (unless a new TGT episode is out ;-D)
    4. Work – I carry my files and laptop like a football when I go anywhere.  And I do the Heisman pose in the halls sometimes.
    5. Eating – the obligatory “flick the peas through the makeshift goal posts that the person across the table makes with their fingers” game
    6. Pet care – randomly tackle my 2 dogs (seen below), chase them around the house while they carry the stuffed football toy, and have them catch treats I throw
    7. Computer – ESPN.com and fantasy football
    8. World of Warcraft – …
It's Bacon!


I’ve never really thought about WoW in terms of football, and I feel like this is the one thing in the Fall season of my life that is incomplete.  AHA, a new quest!

This omission on my part must be the sole reason for all the mishaps that occur in my daily routine from the months of August through January.  Being an IRL-RPG’er with this revelation in mind, it has become my new primary quest line.  My mission, should I choose to accept it (which of course I will), is to figure out how the game I love can be linked to, well, the other game I love.

Sure, I could go with the “Football is a battle like PvP,” or “your rotation is like running plays,” but that is sooo obvious, and you deserve better.

First I’m going to personalize this a bit.  I am going to attempt to explain to you, in WoW terms, what it is like to be a Cleveland Browns fan.  Let us begin…

As a fan of the beloved, and much maligned, Cleveland Browns, imagine you are the raid leader or someone directly related to the leader for a guild.  You’ve gone out and “drafted” (recruited) players to your guild with very, very impressive resumes.  Stellar gear score, 12 of 12 in tier 11 raiding, proud owners of Shadowmourne, dedicated role players from every profession to guarantee synergy, optimal enchants, and an endless flask supply.  Before “raiding” (the season opener), your team looks unstoppable!  This WILL BE THE YEAR!  There is no way any opponent, mechanic, or boss encounter can stop you on your way to an undefeated season and full clear of Firelands Heroics.

Then, it begins.  While practicing your rotations on a training dummy in Orgrimmar, your best rogue smacks his Garrote key too hard and breaks his index finger.  This ends up sidelining him on the “Disabled List” for 4-6 weeks while he heals.  Even after this time out, he’ll be relegated to Karazhan for physical therapy and rehab until he is 100% ready to raid with the big leagues again.  So you replace the rogue with the next guy on your depth chart.  He is a 47 year old rogue with bad hips who has been passed around from guild to guild in exchange for gold pieces.  In other words, he is the Roger Dorn of WoW.

If you don’t get this reference, go watch Major League.

Wild Thing!

Wild Thing!

This rogue used to be good, and the team owner insists he is not past his prime.  However, in Cataclysm heroics he does 2k DPS because he can’t manage combo points and he is too busy talking about his “Pro Bowl year” when his old team downed all of Sunwell in 2 nights.

Next on the list…your main tank, he is one of the best in the realm.  He is also the de facto leader during any fight because of his situational awareness and calmness under pressure.   He has been in the guild since he was a “rookie” (noob) during Burning Crusade.  Since then, you’ve taught and groomed him, dealing with the growing pains associated with a new tank.  You’ve taught him kiting, taunting, mechanics, dragon positioning, and cooldown management.  Just a few months ago you got him the best training facilities and equipment (Tier 11 heroic gear) to finish the job in making him a stellar tank.  All is looking good, since a good team revolves around its tank.

It is at this point your main Warrior, and quarterback of the team, announces his intentions to test the guild “free agency” market in hopes of getting a better deal (guild bank and perks) and a few world first achievements.  This leaves you with your backup main tank to fill this void.  By the way, your backup is busy leveling by killing boars in Westfall right now.  And just for good measure, that main tank will faction transfer to a guild that is your arch nemesis (division rival Pittsburgh Steelers), just so he can gank you twice each season (once at home/in Horde territory and once away/at his Alliance territory).

Still, down your main tank and a star skill player, you do not despair.  “We can still win 70% of our encounters and at least see the “playoffs” (Ragnaros normal mode)!”

“Preseason” comes, you decide to go back and hone your skills a bit in Bastion of Twilight before moving on to the real deal.  You look decent; you down Cho’Gall with minimal issues.  The season can be saved.  Raid is a go.

Finally, the group steps into the gates of the Firelands, ready to kick some ass and chew some bubble gum (you are out of gum, by the way).

Duke Nukem

Hail to the King, Baby!

The “first game”, the trash mobs, await.  Before pulling, you do a ready check.  Tanks: Ready, DPS: Ready, Healers: ….  all but one ready. The following conversation ensues:

You: Dude, LeBombJames, why aren’t you ready?  We need you to get this down.

LeBombJames: Well, I wanted to tell you this earlier, but I felt like I needed to do it on a public stage…meet me at Trade District in Stormwind.

You: Uhhh….OK?

<in Stormwind>

LeBombJames: Ladies and Gentlemen of Stormwind, and my fellow guild mates.  I have a very important message for you all!  I would like to announce that for the Tier 12 raid season, I will be taking my talents to South Barrens.  My groups will win multiple world championships in Firelands raiding achievements!  While there, I will slay not five, not six, not seven….many bosses!

You: <insert your favorite expletives here> OK guys, this priest is a diva…kick him and let’s go 9 man it


I are teh epiczz. Especially in the 4th quarter!

And hence your best healer has not just ditched you, but done it on a public stage.  Alas, you will persevere.  “We can still go .500!  Maybe we can clear half of the raid this week!”

And then, with your demoralized and overall outmanned group of nine, you re-enter the deadly Firelands.  You wipe (lose games) a few times on trash, but you also get a few mobs down. Each mob pull (regular season game), however, is a battle that could go either way until the very last second.  You’ve downed three trash mobs and have wiped three times.  You are sticking to your .500 winning percentage.

Now comes your first real challenge, the boss (playoff caliber team) Shannox. You tell the group, “We’ve had some rough pulls, but if we down this boss and his minions, we can definitely make it to Ragnaros this year!  They aren’t better than us, we have just as much talent.  And besides, we want it more!”

With your broken, battered, and anxious team about to start your pull, the warrior accidentally charges Riplimb instead of Shannox.  “Come on, know your playbook tank!”

Since the hunter really doesn’t want to wait for threat build up, she is instantly splattered against the rocks afterwards (think wide receiver trying to block the middle linebacker), but not before she can Misdirect to your Mage.  She is killed so badly that they have to take her out on a goblin stretcher, and her resurrection timer puts her well into next season.

At this point, you are down two touchdowns raid members down and things are starting to get out of hand.  Next thing you know, the replacement rogue puts Tricks of the Trade on your Holy Paladin, and, of course, the warlock stood in the crystal trap.

Before you even realize what happened, you’ve been beaten to a bloody pulp.  All that is left of your once mighty team is you and the Shaman, up against Shannox with 99% HP.  So the shaman casts bloodlust.

All hope is lost for this raid season.

“OK guys…let’s just go do Occu’Thar and call it a night…..There’s always next year.”

And that is a small look into the world of a Cleveland football fan, though the World of Warcraft.



Screw you Steelers.
  1. Tote
    September 7, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Hrmm, visions of recognition swirl in my head…..

  2. secondmile
    September 9, 2011 at 8:45 am

    Love this article lol very nice!

    Or… you could be a Bengals fan and have the worst guild leader ever. /grumble

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: